Have you ever wanted that goal SO bad, that person SO bad, that job SO bad, the body you envision, the energy, the life…but you just can’t seem to get your $hit together to nail it?
It’s a real mindf*ck to isn’t it?
Like how can I want this so bad, yet I don’t have it yet?
Read on…I’m about to offer up some serious Ego surgery to help you crack your own code as to why you’re not where you want to be in life, in whatever area that is.
Consciously we all can agree to “Stop looking for reasons it won’t work”. So then why do we do it?
There are 3 main reasons for this I have found in my OWN paradigm of ‘playing small’, which is something we all do, when we fear failure, success, change, the unknown, or believe a story about ourselves that usually is our past projected into our present, sabotaging our future.
First let me share this: The inspiration for this post began with me providing self counsel, when I found myself obsessing over an incessant search for evidence on something that I was on a mission to prove to myself would be destined for failure, to give myself a reason to ‘not get hurt’ and to ‘not fail’. I saw this in all areas of my life this past week – in my profession, my partnership and my personal growth. Putting a great deal of pressure on myself to be ‘perfect’, which was stifling my ability to step forward with conviction. I was under my own hypnosis for a while, but this morning I had a break through and my warrior within said:
“Hey Kazer, stop it…
WHY DO WE LOOK FOR REASONS IT WILL FAIL?
#1 - is to keep yourself from vulnerability, intimacy, and the culturally indoctrinated ‘shame’ of success.
#2 – You have low self worth and believe you don’t deserve it.
When one part of you feels that it doesn’t deserve what another part consciously wants, and the deepest part of your subconscious believes it does not, you self sabotage.
Doubt arises: If I got what I want or met my goal, would I just f*ck it up like I’ve done in my past?
If so, then why even try, if it’s going to end, might as well not start. I can’t change, I’m not strong enough to maintain it when I get it, so what’s the point? (this all assumes you see things from the same lens now as you did then. What if ONE shift in perception can and will change this whole paradigm…I’ve seen this in the work we do with clients in our CHI program and it’s a downright miracle)
#3 - We look for reasons it won’t work because of our familiarity with shame, pain and misery.
This one is as sadistic as they come. Who am I without my suffering? What would happen to all of the parts and pieces and people in my life if I didn’t have something to complain about? How do I matter without being helpless so that I have power over others caring for me?
Our brain routinely releases chemicals in response to these fight or flight, past trauma and pain perceptions to the point where our physical body LITERALLY becomes addicted to them.
So then when the shame or pain trigger doesn’t happen, our brain says ‘wait but this is the time of day and this is the person who we have associated with these neurotransmitters’ so it will still release them.
Which is where we get stuck and why less than 5% of people actually fulfill goals they set every year, more than half of businesses fail in their first year, and over half of marriages end in divorce.
No matter how much we want to ‘change our mind’ we can’t because we’re trapped in the cortisol release, adrenaline rush of ‘fight or flight’ and interestingly new research shows an INCREASE of dopamine, when we perceive pain. Pain triggers our reward center. Pain = pleasure?
So the chemicals hold us hostage to ‘act out’ the very thoughts and habits that created them, and we’re trapped in a loop. Then we get tired because our adrenals are constantly releasing these chemicals, to the detriment of our sex and sleep hormones and just like that we have a society of sleep deprived, infertile, erection challenged, vaginally dry, unconfident, withdrawn, exhausted humans who fear connection and failure.
Why is this?
Dopamine is our brains pleasure chemical and reward system so what kind of twisted paradox is this that we become addicted to PAIN? Then another part of us wants to numb THAT out so we numb the pain with pain pills and we have a giant concoction of confusion and crippling retraction into our shell, unsure of what we REALLY want and whether or not we can even get there.
One part of us craves the pain (limbic), and the other part of us (logic) curses it. AND here’s the Truth we ALL hide from to the detriment of our heart.
The problem is never what we think it’s about. Yet we focus on the ‘problem’ thinking it will resolve the symptoms when really the external problem is just the disassociative mechanism we have created because we don’t know how to resolve it, nor do we know how to find the REAL problem. This is what is referred to as ‘root cause’ resolve. It’s VITAL you work with someone who knows how to help you extract it and feel safe to finally feel, then heal it. Because:
This deepest core wound is the one that projects itself into the things we want the most, and cannot have until it’s released.
I’ll give you an example.
A man can want love SO BADLY but feel unmotivated to pursue it because he feels defeated from his past relationships. So he’s scared to get hurt again, and feel the sense of being at cause for the relationship ending. He fears projecting that into his next love, and hence recoils so no one gets hurt and he doesn’t have to feel the fear of having done something wrong and the shame of ‘not being enough’ to make her happy. This is definitely A problem, but it’s not THE problem.
THE problem began in this young mans earlier years with his first relationship to a woman: His mom. Or whatever female caregiver who looked after him and he formed a bond with.
At some point, whatever problem mom was having, he took it upon himself to fix it, fix her, to make the problem go away. And when it didn’t, he experienced the shame of ‘not being enough’ to solve it and make her happy. Hence began his role as a ‘people pleaser’, losing parts of himself in attempt to save her, and as a result, abandoned a little boy inside of him who wanted to play, love and be, who is desperately seeking to be found again, allowed to have a voice and to feel safe to come out and play, to be free and to live life for himself without the pressure and unrealistic role of being the sole responsible role for his woman’s (projected mother) happiness.
He fears being ‘imperfect’ and carries around what we all do, called ‘Imposter syndrome’.
Dr. Brené Brown had this to say about perfectionists when she was interviewed by Oprah:
Gulp. So rather than them see this, I will wear masks, and just sabotage it all to keep them at a distance and avoid authenticity, vulnerability and intimacy.
A woman wants SO badly to fix her hormones because the symptoms of hormone imbalance SUCK – weight issues, PMS, depression, fatigue, rapid aging, hair loss, sleep issues, auto immune disease – but she cannot and she doesn’t know why.
A HUGE Core Belief we see women carrying around is that they adopt a SICK STORY that they are destined to suffer, because their mom did, and if they lose their symptoms, they will no longer fit into the family by association. Ever heard of the term: “Misery loves company”. This is that in action. Primally, one was kicked out of their tribe if they did their own thing and stood out from the pack, so this hits home at the cellular level.
Standing out and doing our own thing, shaping our own values, breaking free from familial beliefs, ancestral trauma usually results in abandonment, as our own family will throw stones at us for doing the impossible because it exposes their narrative of limited possibility.
So she carries on blaming her symptoms on ‘GENETICS’ and continues to suffer so she’s still part of the tribe, playing small to prevent her biggest fear of being disowned by her family. Owning her disease, to preserve her attachment to tribe. It has been proven that Genetics are NOT our destiny, but rather Epigenetics is…which is the new research of how lifestyle, diet, mindset and our environment regulate our Genes. We now have the power to turn off bad genes and ON good genes when we shift our beliefs.
How To Take your Power Back
Most of us will go our entire lives pointing the finger (which I refer to as PTFD – point the finger disorder) at others for the reason a relationship failed, because it’s much easier to blame than to own our shit.
This is what happens when you don’t OYS = Own Your shit. You suppress pain and deflect lessons and opportunities to grow, learn, evolve and discover joy in everything you do!
The shame becomes a perpetual cycle, and until we get real with the story we carry that sabotages our future, we will continue to try to ‘save mom’ in everything, seeking approval everywhere, then fail it because we have been conditioned to feel shame instead of success.
The same thing can be true for relationships we have with parts of ourselves. Since we take on the beliefs, stories and values from our parents and caregivers, there are parts of us at war with and conflict with other parts, that beg to be heard, released and/or integrated. When we don’t we remain disjointed and we lack the confidence to make whole-hearted decisions from a place of power.
The good news is this all can be worked through but it definitely takes a tribe. And some powerful bio-hacks. Combinations of cleansing, consuming real foods, connecting with conscious people, functional medicine labs, hormone optimization, gut healing and PTSD / mind re-mapping and for some, plant medicine. Where it gets tricky is that what works for one may not work for another.
This is why the future of medicine and the true healing modalities will be at one’s own expense (investment), because insurance doesn’t cover these and Western doctors are not trained on them…alternative care practitioners and soul seekers are, most of whom do not accept insurance.
We must let go of the belief that ‘Insurance should cover this and doctors should know this’, which is the biggest limiting belief and unrealistic expectation we see that blocks people’s potential of radical growth and life changing transformation.
It starts with awareness, acceptance and a reason to grow. I call this your ‘soul goal’. If you don’t have a compelling reason outside of yourself to climb out of your self sabotaging stories, you’ll remain in the familiar discomfort because change is hard…but if you’re like me, do you agree that remaining the same is even harder?
I’ve been researching this like crazy for my own personal reasons as well as the support I’m providing to women who are in major transitions in their life who are DONE with living their life in this prison. They want more from their life because they believe DEEPLY in their purpose within it
Oh and one last thing. Have you heard of Spiritual Bypassing?
A few of my favorites are:
So, while law of attraction, intention setting, doing yoga, sniffing essential oils and reading new age books, are awesome to make you feel good superficially and temporarily… there’s a much deeper dive that when taken and when you are willing to explore your shadows and stories, you just might be the person who frees yourself from your fear and unlocks the warrior within who can save you from these addictions by rewriting your story.
That person is YOU.
You just need a place and a tribe to help you discover it so you can direct your new narrative.
Now I want to hear from YOU.
What are your thoughts?
This is some deep $hit and in my experience of helping women wake up to the new world they wish to create, it’s the main door that, once we have the curiosity and courage to walk through, our life opens up to a whole new world.
A new You.
A New Earth.
If this speaks to you, I KNOW you will dig my CHI Masterclass on the top 5 Breakthroughs you can have TODAY to help you end Self Sabotage so you can Crack the code to your body’s innate intelligence, become your own best healer and transform your life from the inside out.
FDN-P, Detox Expert, Hormone Warrior & Ego Slayer