We all know the feeling.
$hit goes down at work, at home, with our significant other, our kids, our parents, our boss.
$hit goes down somewhere, which ironically causes us to retract, swallow our pride, run from ourselves, then the shame sets in.
“Why does this keep happening to me?”
“Why do I do this to myself?”
“Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut?”
“Why is it so hard for me to be happy?”
“Why does it feel like the world is out to get me?”
EVERY SINGLE human ponders questions like this on a regular, if not hourly basis? We shame ourselves for having them, then we shame ourselves for the actions we take, words we say as a result of not addressing them. We have been taught in our culture to wear an ‘EVERYTHING IS FINE’ mask. Independence is taught to a fault and if you need something, anything you’re deemed as needy. What if I told you that you are DELUSIONAL about ‘not needing anyone’? What I told you that living in DENIAL of this is main ingredient causing your health issues, digestive distress,, energy drain, hormonal imbalance, skin issues? If you’re already triggered by and feeling parts of yourself pissed off by the start of this article, you probably won’t benefit at all by reading on (sarcasm).
If you are stressed on a regular basis, as is commonplace for EVERYONE today, the culmination of mini traumas throughout the day result in the urge to escape. Alcohol and drugs to suppress the stress. Caffeine the next morning to wake us up. 150 grams + of sugar throughout the day to fuel the next ‘hit’ of energy that wanes in another hour and we shame ourselves again “Why can’t I get a handle on these food cravings?” What if the REAL question to ask yourself is “HOW can I get a handle on the needs I am most deficient in, express them, receive ‘help’ with grace
It takes a great deal of awareness, which starts with ‘just being the observer, not the judge, of your thoughts’ to even discover and hear these parts of ourselves. Then the next step is to ask which ones are call outs for help. Then finally, to express them vulnerably and authentically. I’ll teach you how with the ‘FAST TRACK’ to Happiness below.
You might be thinking ‘But none of my friends would accept me if I shared this stuff’. Well then, darling….you probably have attracted the wrong friends over time, with the frequency you’re vibrating at…which is that of fear, insecurity, scarcity, worry, desperation, incompleteness. Over time, as you grow and evolve into new branches of emotions rooted in spiritual centeredness, such as love, security, abundance, faith, acceptance, completeness (the exact opposite of low vibrational points) – you’ll outgrow parts of your life, including friends, and attract new things/people based on your extraordinarily evolved and super spiritual new self. I say that last part with slight cheekiness to entertain your ego, even in the slightest. Hey. It’s a heavy topic. And a road you’ve likely never traveled to this depth. So we’ve gotta take some seriousness off of it and play, laugh a little at ourselves right? Ok, now….here’s an exercise for you to help you with this question:
HOW DO I BEGIN?
The next time you encounter a difficult situation where you’re triggered, pissed off, annoyed, impatient, feeling judged, conspired against … listen, until they’re done talking, avoid engaging until they’re finished ‘ranting’, then PAUSE, say nothing, take a deep breath, ask for space to process, step away, step outside (in nature under a tree if possible) and write down/voice memo on your smart phone the answers to these 3 questions.
- What happened? The events and facts only (keep interpretation, meaning seeking and emotions out of this answer)
- What did I make it mean? aka I took it personal and I determined ‘she’s not hearing me and ignoring it for some reason we make up – ex she’s trying to be difficult on purpose to spite me’ – 98% of the time we are wrong here. Ask where did that interpretation/behavior come from. Who taught you to think that way?
- How am I getting my needs met with the story that I tell myself in Question #2? ie – my ego gets to be right that she’s dumb b/c I have proof she didn’t read, and lazier than I am, so we get to pedastalize ourselves. Ego says ‘See we’re way better, smarter than she is’, and we feel better about who we are. False confidence really. Real confidence comes from knowing you’re living a life free from an act and you have compassion for others because you have compassion for self (empathy, authenticity, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, etc).
To summarize:
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT DID I MAKE IT MEAN?
HOW AM I GETTING MY NEEDS MET?
And ultimately, why do I give a F*ck what they think? This is one of my FAVORITE articles by Mark Manson on the topic, which really helped me uncoil my ego, overshadowing my heart. When the scales are heavier on the ‘caring what others think’ and we people please, and we pay less attention to giving ourselves what we need, independent of their opinions, we are perpetually destined for depression. I like this interview I did with JP Sears for my ‘Heart to Happiness’ Summit, to help spread global awareness on depression and how to find our path back to ‘happy’. There are 2 MAJOR FAILS we have been taught in society today, to falsely ensure success, as the American formula:
TO ALWAYS BE HAPPY
TO ALWAYS BE PERFECT
Let’s see what JP says about the inherent failure, and ensuing depression from chasing the first:
Our pursuit of comfort is one of the chief pesticides against happiness…
Whoa…am I willing to get uncomfortable, fuel with food for my soul, which requires appearing imperfect?
I’M PERFECT. IMPERFECT. Which one do you feel you are? HA. I love trick questions that get you to think. I love the work of Brene Brown, have you heard her Ted Talk? Read her books? I’ll reference them below in the sources so you can explore and take the journey for yourself. In a nutshell, the desire to be ‘perfect’ is the egos breeding ground for shame, which we have become addicted to as an identification (a false one) of who we are. Society has shaped us as such, so when we don’t do it perfect, we give ourselves permission to shame us, fueling the ego’s desire to be right.
The fear of not doing it perfectly, or 100% is the single most reason most will never start, which is more of a failure than trying, falling, getting up, learning, discovering and trying again!
I see this more of a problem than anything in my practice, helping thousands of women around the world. They fear not being perfect, so they either don’t start. OR they do start, then quit at the first sign of ‘mistake’, shame themselves, tell themselves they’re never going to get it right, like the last try’s so why even keep going or try again?
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?
The question is ‘How am I getting my needs met with this mindset’? The answer is ‘as long as we have drama, trauma, common emotions that others feel, when we express them, we get a hug, some love, words, reinforcement, attention of some kind that resembles a parent who once said to us…honey, you’re going to be ok’. The adult version of that is ‘hey me too. I feel that too.’ which makes us feel less alone. So the answer is, we get our needs met by feeling less alone, more heard, more safe, more loved. These are the REAL needs you’re aiming to have met. BUT just having that awareness will not make your ‘misery’, shame addiction, self torment and self sabotage completely. Until you do things to make you feel less alone and more heard, belong to a community, expose yourself to others as your real self (take off the ‘everything is fine’ mask), these will consistently drive you to act out, push away, shame, etc which = depression, anger, fear, frustration, envy…which is the BIGGEST drain to our energy, hormones and vitality than any food could ever be.
YOU FEEL UNHEARD
YOU FEEL ALONE
YOU FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD
YOU FEEL UNLOVED
These thoughts will never completely go away. You are human. You were designed flawless in this sense. These are the wake up calls, your shadows as we call it, that are signs to guide you back to the light. As long as you’re ignoring the shadows within you, aka putting your crying child self into the corner with masking tape over his/her mouth, you will have a hard time discovering your light. Your shadow is a tool TO your light. And the more you listen, and love those parts within yourself, the self sabotage thoughts will quiet in time, as long as you prioritize understanding their roots, which is what these 3 questions are designed to do.
Once you realize your deepest root need yearning to be met, ask your higher self, what age you were where you first felt that.
Ask what you made it mean. Ego will likely have said ‘we’re NEVER going to let this happen to you again, don’t worry, we’ll protect you’ and carries the assumption that it’s going to happen in similar situations moving forward, which as I mentioned before, we are wrong 98% of the time. Have a conversation with the little kid or ‘previous self’ inside of you…tell him/her it’s ok, even if ‘it’ happens again, we’re more equipped now to forgive self for it happening again, as well as forgiving others for what we make things mean they are doing to us.
AM I READY FOR THIS?
You’re not reading this by accident, are you?
Just like I didn’t end up in India, climbing nearly 5,000 feet to the top of the Himalayan Mountains in Dharamsala, India after meeting the Dalai Lama by accident. Something shifted inside of me during that 5 month trip around the world, and the way I felt in the moment I snapped this photo (with a timer of course, I wish there was 2 of me LOL) illustrates that. These moments of surrender, which is what that trip was, in 2012, was my dedication to ‘Getting out of my own way…My ego has to GO’.
Now it’s your turn!
Time for a conscious cleanse. An ego enema. You care for these roots (root cause mindset deep rooted trauma issues), and your tree will grow stronger one day at a time, until one year from now, then another, then another, you’ll look back and see/feel an entirely new tree. Along the way, you’ll attract the new frequency points you become, in the form of ‘better quality friends’, who support with empathy and compassion, instead of judgement and projection. They will own their mistakes, apologize when they felt ‘wrong’ about how they handled something, just as you will be able to with less strain. You yourself will project less, which can be summarized as PTFD, my new term coined ‘point the finger disorder’ whereby we are too ashamed to take accountability for our actions, so we blame others, so our ego gets to be right.
This evolution is like exercise. In order to master the mindset you’re here to attain, you must treat this like training for a game, this one called life, exercising to hit a goal, etc. Ask yourself how much time you spent planning a party or an event recently…then ask yourself how much time you’ve invested into understanding more of yourself. I can almost guarantee you’ve spent more time doing than being. We are human BEings, not human DOings.
STEP 1 TO SUCCEED = DIVORCE THE NEED TO BE PERFECT
Every path begins with 1 step. We don’t always need to know exactly where we’re headed, just that we have a mission and our sole mission is: To find peace and love within ourselves.
An 80/20 ratio is perhaps a healthy ratio as my Holistic Health Coach mentor describes. We get 80% of our needs met inside of ourselves, giving yourself the permission to be ‘co-dependent’ on others for 20% of our needs.
Do not mistake that for ‘I should have expectations that he/she/it GIVES me the 20% as expectations are the #1 thing that results in disappointement’, Rather, consider that, the way we connect is through the giving and receiving to and from others. Without that surrender, allowing ourselves to receive, we are less connected, and hence more lonely, fueling the deepest rooted fear of all: TO BE ALONE. I heard this at church the other day from Pastor Rick, of Saddleback.
Being that, the newest statistics as of 2017 is that 42% of the adult population over 45 is chronically lonely, we need each other, we need love more than ever before.
And it starts with an understanding of where you are most ‘needy’ and being ok with that term. It, along with ‘co-dependence’ have been ‘shamed’ in and of themselves, which as a society has caused us chronic shame for feeling these natural human emotions that I intentionally say EVERY human being feels.
Without love, and without connection to each other, we are nothing but robots.
Your first breath of forgiveness begins with this. It’s not your fault, friend. Why you’re here, in this space in your life. It’s not your fault you’re this way, you were trained and conditioned to be by others who have used their ego as survival to a fault.
NOW LET’S BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY
Now you hold a very powerful key that can open your prison door, freeing you from this vicious, self feeding, ego seeking cycle.
Be open, be loving, be easy.
And remember:
What you don’t express, you suppress, which causes distress.
This entire article was inspired by a client of mine who was frustrated that she was self sabotaging and still didn’t have the energy she desired, despite consistent efforts to change her diet and detox routine, which she was kicking ass at, overall. But guess what? NO amount of food, supplements or colon cleanses will detox the negative thoughts and shame you put yourself through on a daily basis. The REAL path to healing begins with the question:
What is the biggest thing draining my energy in the first place?
Which you already know the answer to: MINDSET. My friend, be patient with yourself, like you would be to a child, growing up. This is a lifelong journey, what we are here for and what we are ALL struggling with. But it doesn’t have to be a struggle.
Do you believe you have THIS MUCH POWER to turn it all around? Which one are you:
- If the answer is NO, re read this article.
- If the answer is NOT YET, that’s ok too…you may not be ready for it. Bookmark it and come back when you hit another bump in the road and the voice of discernment inside says ‘What if’…What if that’s my ticket to end my suffering?
- If the answer is YES, your daily homework is whenever you encounter a difficult situation where you’re triggered, take a deep breath, ask for space to process, step away, step outside (in nature under a tree if possible) and write down/voice memo on your smart phone the answers to the first 3 questions.
THIS POWER INSIDE OF YOU WILL FREE YOU
In the end, we are the ONLY ones who have the power to hurt ourselves, emotionally, physically, consciously. NO ONE can hurt you. So chose your words wisely, instead of:
- ‘YOU HURT ME…’
- ‘YOU DID THIS TO ME’
- ‘YOU MADE ME…’
…Consider replacing them with ‘I allowed you to make me feel a certain way’, ‘I gave you the power to make me do this’, etc.
Mark my word, with these tools, and in the prescence of the right people, you will liberate them with the power of liberating yourself. And you will suffer less, and empower more!
It’s time to take your power back my friend. And as you do, like a country song, you get your life back, your health back, your energy back and maybe even your sex drive back. But that’s for another show. Which you can actually listen to here.
As a reminder, you are loved, you are enough, you are unique and you are so much needed. Your return to love is your only real journey. And to get there, here is one of your greatest reminders. As JP said in the video and Marianne Williamson:
The #1 fear of human kind is the fear of their own Power:
For more empowerment like this, food for the soul and for your beautiful temple, check out my 4 week online program, the Warrior Cleanse. Cleanse your Body and Cleanse your Mind of the Toxic things that are making you Fat, Fatigued and Frustrated. It just might be the Tribe you’ve been looking for to feel inspired, understood, loved, accepted, and PERFECT…just the way you are. From Drain to Dream – Your Dream body and Dream life awaits! As does the view on top of the mountain when you look down at your life, and feel the IMMENSE gratitude in your heart for EVERY. SINGLE. LESSON. you learned along the way, no matter how hard it was to get through!
REFERENCES/Recommended Reading:
- The Warrior Cleanse (duh LOL)
- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck – Mark Manson
- Brene Brown, AMAZING Book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
- Brene Brown, Ted Talk – Listening to SHAME
- Brene Brown, Ted Talk – The Power of VULNERABILITY
- Elephant Journal – 6 things to tell yourself along the way
